Welcome
The Four Questions
Three summers ago, while on vacation in Washington state, I met a retired pastor who told me that when getting to
know someone new he always asked four questions.
They sounded kind of gimmicky at the time, but as I reflected on them I realized that they were actually quite significant.
Why are you here?
What are you looking for?
What are you doing to get it?
How will you know when you’ve got it?
I want to share these four questions with you because I believe they hold great potential for awakening you to a
greater sense of purpose and meaning in your life, especially if you are not used to living your life as an opportunity.
Why are you here? – This question invites a person to share his or her history, something that most of us are quite
hungry to do given the invitation. We can start at any point we choose and narrate how we ended up wherever
here is, be that a new locale after a move, the same church after a long period of time, a company we’re interviewing
for a new job with, an education program that we’ve intentionally pursued, a sporting event, a ministry group,
and on and on.
In addition, it gives the questioner and the responder the opportunity to realize how intentional their presence is.
There’s power in reflecting and sharing what one’s presence in a given place means. Some people end up in places
without really understanding how. Other people set out to go to places with a very well defined set of objectives and
have them change over time, sometimes without consciously realizing it. Other people have carefully considered
and regularly reflect on what their time and involvement in the various places in their lives means to them and why
they continue (or choose to leave).
Knowing why you are here (and by extension someone else asking you why you are here) gives important insight
into how you are likely to act in that place. It’s the difference between the freshman in college who’s just bumbling
around because college was what others said he should do vs. the 18-yr-old who is the first ever to attend college
in her family and came from a dead-end neighborhood where all signs of the future seemed to point to hopelessness.
What are you looking for? – This question is a follow-up to the first and it invites a person to really think about
what motivates them. To use a context that we all share – being a part of St. John’s Church – we quickly discover
that there are many different motivations. One person is looking for solace and a place of peace. Another person
is looking to belong to a church that takes outreach ministry seriously and provides opportunities to make a difference.
A third person is looking for a place where she can learn, mature and be encouraged to develop better disciplines
around her relationship with God. Still another is looking for a place to belong, where he will be greeted warmly and
can form friendships with other Christians. And a last person is looking for a place where her children will be taught
and guided in the development of their own faith. Those who are clear about what they are looking for and can
articulate it are much more likely to feel satisfied. In addition, they are less likely to drift away with a vague feeling
of discontent. The next time you feel unhappy or restless in a given situation or place check yourself to see
whether you can articulate what you are looking for.
What are you doing to get it? – This question clarifies whether a person’s actions are aligned with their rhetoric
(and whether they are aware of it). That is useful, of course, to a boss in assessing an employee’s effectiveness and
motivation. It’s useful in a parent-child relationship as the parent seeks to build skills of planning and follow-though
in a child who knows what she wants but isn’t experienced enough yet to know how to pursue it. It is useful to a priest
as a tool in working with a Vestry reflect on its ability to translate its good ideas and intentions into accomplishments.
The question is powerful because it calls us to face our response-ability for the things that we say we care about.
I was talking with a neighbor I once had in California. He was the president of the California Black Chamber
of Commerce, and he was telling me about how he would soon be talking face to face with then Governor
Arnold Schwarzenegger at the Chamber’s annual meeting. He had a long list of grievances and planned to try to
motivate his constituency to “take back government for ‘We the People.’” I told him I thought that was great, but what
was he going to suggest they do to take back government. He told me that it starts with basic civic education – most
people don’t even know the names of their representatives he said – where the meeting places and times are where
the decisions are made, and when legislation is being considered that will affect their lives. But how, as a leader,
was he going to lead his constituency to action on that information to take back government? Education and
awareness alone (or complaining about what’s not working) doesn’t accomplish the goal.
How will you know when you’ve got it? – This question is powerful because it assesses whether we know how to
finish. You may be familiar with the “fear of success” phenomenon. Some people get too comfortable in the journey
toward a goal and don’t realize that they have substituted the process for the goal itself. Coming to the end of
something can be disorienting because it means I have to let go of what I have devoted myself to and start all
over again on some new and uncertain thing.
Others have an easy time coming up with ideas but don’t know how to refine those ideas or goals into measurable
ends. An example that we have watched play our over the past couple of years is healthcare. A vast majority of
Americans have identified for a long time that we needed a healthcare system that works better than the one we’ve
got now. But what is the definition of a better working system? Is it the least costly one? Is it one where every possible
treatment option is available to the greatest number of people? Is it one with the minimum wait times for care and
treatment? Is it the one where treatments are prescribed primarily based on the likelihood of successful outcomes
from on past data? And what if you can’t have all of those things in one system? What do you trade?
And so reform legislation has now passed the Congress, been signed into law and will be reviewed this year by
the Supreme Court. Should the court uphold the law how will we assess whether the system improves or not?
If these kinds of questions are not asked and answered it becomes very difficult to know whether you’ve achieved
what you set out to do. Sometimes and for some people that’s intentional because it’s safer. If the end result falls
short of the goal there isn’t be any specific criteria to point to. But the reason we need to be asking ourselves “how
will I know when I’ve got what I’m striving for?” is that it keeps us honest, continually assessing our own ability
and motivation to achieve what we’re after, instead of just going through the motions to put forth appearances.
I introduced these questions as a way of framing the reality that we are all stewards of our time, skills and abilities,
possessions and relationships. I believe it is a very powerful framework for churches to operate under. But clearly it
does not only apply to our “church” selves or our “religious” or “faith” lives. Actually, our Christian faith becomes
much stronger and more beneficial to us when we break down the artificial barriers between church and the rest
of our lives. God is with you always and calls you to live according to the example of Jesus always, who knew why
he was sent into the world and what needed to be done in order to fulfill God’s will for his life.
As we begin a new year I believe that taking the time to answer these four questions for yourself is a way to gain
greater clarity about what you are living for and how well you are using the opportunities of your life to gain it.
Answering the questions also carries the benefit of heading off the various crises of life (young adult, mid-life,
late life), because after you’ve worked through them you’re not going to wake up one day wondering whether your
life is going anywhere or has had any real meaning. You’ll know that it does.
